(feel free to add your own)
1. If you cant personally (and without the help of wikipedia) name more than 3 Native American Tribes, then i dont want to hear you prattle on about the plight of the engine. Indians lost my nigga… however, they get free tuition, casino’s, and cigarette money. Your facebook post does not contribute to shit… its electronic litter… which makes indians cry… see what i did there?
2. Dont text me……….. naah seriously…. dont do that shit. I aint call you cause we are not that close. I’m replying to everyone with dick pics.
And not mine either, old man dick pics… you have been warned.
3. If you are not drunk we are having two totally different holidays.
4. (ladies) If you are at the club, and your kids are with their grandmomma (aka their Mon-Fri mom)… thats fucked up, but if you post your sloppy drunk pictures and there is a nip slip of some kind, all wrongs have been righted in the universe and i will “like” button your boobs. Yeah.. your pretty much dropping the ball as a parent, but society is getting something out of it… so.. you know… even steven. Its like Obamacare.
5. Dont fucking text me… i got another one while i was writing this. My mother has never met you… dont ask about her… “Me & Mine” want “You & Yours” to drink the stuff under your kitchen sink.
6. Deep frying turkey is better left to the professionals … your drunk uncle Frank with the milky eye is not that professional. Eat some chicken and chill out. Everytime i hear a fire engine I will giggle like a schoolgirl and hope its the home of someone who texted me.
7. Not all of your kids are cute… do the right thing… avoid the uggo’s when your BLASTING all the holiday pictures at me. Tagging strangers in pictures of your ugly child holding a turkey leg is not hip… we are all secretly judging the inside of your house, and wondering if you have to pay EXTRA on picture day cause.. you know.. your kids face is all “hard to watch” and shit.
8. It is 100% okay to Jehovah Witness your junkie relatives when they knock on your door. You aint invite them, and your not running a soup kitchen. Dont believe the hype, its just Thursday and you are under no obligation to feed these niggas. Trust me, I’m a doctor. Nothing will blow your high like trying to fight a tryptophan induced fat coma, while your auntie gives you a “jesus for junkies” monologue while giving your pocketable electronics the side eye.
9. Im not being cute when i say this… but fam… im gonna send you a picture of some scrote… stop texting me.
10. Peace and love, and gluttony. Think about it, days like this is why a large portion of the world hates us. We are fat, and make up holidays to commemorate how we slaughtered, starved, and smallpox blanketed an indigenous people to the brink of extinction so we could build mega malls on top of their cemeteries and (in a half court shot of irony) trample each other to death in order to buy a bunch of shit, rack up debt, work jobs we hate to pay it off, and brag about how free we are .
So to celebrate we are under oath as Americans to live it up. So EVERYBODY get drunk and stank, eat until your toilet looks at you like “where you gonna put all that”, and try not to pass out near your “funny” uncle. Pretend to love each other, because its not about family or community.. its about making sure the women around you can still cook, and carbing up for Black Friday.
And dont think your gonna just be HOUSING niggas at walmart come midnight. YOU my friend are out of shape. Save the soda till around 10pm.. then you go out like a wild man. Put on your snow shoveling boots and remember one thing… if they are “too old” to knock down and trample… they should have stayed they old ass home… like the indians… like bitches… lol
HAPPY TURKEY DAY.